I got catfished.

“OMG,” I said out loud. It all added up.

The cute brunette lady I had been messaging. Was not cute nor brunette. Oh hell,  she wasn’t even a lady.

In reality, she was actually my overweight male friend, who facially resembled Britain’s most hated pop duo, Jedward.

How did this happen? You may ponder, probably gleefully smiling to yourself, ready for read this humiliating tale of catfishery.

As entertainment guru and all-round goatee god, Craig David, once said: Rewind…

***

Once upon a time, in a town unfortunately not far, far away, I befriended a gay guy. We shall call him Jedders. Although I’d love to name and shame him across social media, I’m not an arsehole. Although as you will read, he probably wanted to get in mine.

Jedders had both a bizarre lifestyle and diet.
He wolfed down chocolate donuts and crisps for lunch. He had the audacity to proudly admit he was a vegetarian. His favourite food to eat was burgers. That’s right, not Linda or Quorn burgers, but full moo-moo cow burgers. So not really a vegetarian.
This bizarre diet proved to be Jedders undoing, however. He had no proper circulation, which resulted in his hands turning indigo in colour during the winter. Imagine the complexion of man, floating in orbit after being pushed out an airlock, and you’re kinda there.
He would get his Mum, his best friend, to give him a lift to and from the gym, despite it being a 10 minute walk from his house.

Despite this, Jedders seemed to care about me and my romantic troubles, and I often popped around his to vent or play Xbox. In hindsight, I should have just gone to a counselor or applied to go on Take Me Out.
Playing these games was quite therapeutic, and he was very understanding of my women woes. I would tell him my angst, particularly an infatuation on an American lady that I used to see.  She looked a little like Courtney Love. Surely that should have been a red flag – look what happened to poor Kurt Cobain.
Nevermind, she enjoyed my company – things were casual beneficial whatthefuckery.  We bonded over a love for Star Trek. Frustratingly, I started to get those feels, but she didn’t.
So, I found Jedders and Halo’s gunfire, energy swords and explosions a pleasant antidote from this unrequited romance. I wasn’t the only person feeling a little unrequited in the romantic department, as it turned out.

I needed to move on from my Courtney doppelgänger. My previous romances hadn’t gone well (as a teenager here, and my date from hell, here.)
I need a new lady in my life, I decided. What could I do next? Speed dating? Use ubercringe chat-up lines in nightclubs (oh hey Cameo, Halo)?
The terrifying world of Online Dating seemed like the safer option.  Sadly I was a bit naive and unprepared back then.

These were the pre-tinder days. You had to actually make effort with your profile. I joined Plenty Of Fish.com. I decided me in a coffee coloured gilet, ‘modelling’ a sports stadium picture might capture the hearts of women of the online world.

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Despite such exuberant fashion, I had only received a handful of messages. I’m no oil painting myself, but they weren’t exactly my type. One lived in John O’Groates, whilst I swear the other had been on Crimewatch the previous week.

However, I then got a message from the illustrious Miss Katie Farthing, as seen below in her kitchen:

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According to her profile, she liked to keep in shape but ‘wouldn’t miss the opportunity for fast food or a cake.’

Her spelling was atrocious, and she found the concept of sentences a problem. Despite this, a cute female was messaging me, and would actually reply promptly, with no ghosting. Guys who have also tried online dating will feel this ghosting lark. So I forgave her for her grammar intolerance.

We had really similar interests, jogging, music and the gym. She also played video games, the same as me and Jedders liked. See below her bio. Could you do better?  Probably.

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These mutual interests made me interested in meeting up, but she declined and said she wanted to get to know me more first. I thought to myself, isn’t that what dating was all about, seeing each other in person?

So, I asked Katie what she’d like to know about me before a meet up?
Curiously, she wanted to know my penis size.
I gasped.
I asked her why she wanted to know this?
She simply replied with ‘Sorry, I was a bit horny.’

For a girl to get her kicks over a picture of someone in a coffee-coloured gilet is a bit odd. I mean as a lad, it makes your smirk and think ‘I’m such a handsome stud,’  but deep down I’m thinking ‘what the fuck?’

I gave her the benefit of the doubt; I don’t blame her for having such great taste (nyuk nyuk) We kept talking, this time about less sexual stuff. I devised that maybe I’m just quite the catch or something!
We started speaking about jobs, ambitions and hobbies.  Katie couldn’t help herself, and spilled over into intimate question territory once again, asking me if I would enjoy cock munching, and what’s your favourite position?
I told her I was uncomfortable talking about this stuff online, and she abruptly stopped talking completely. In case you’re wondering about my favourite position, it’s the hyperventilating octopus. Also, to anyone who is reading this – never, ever, ever use the term cock-munching. Please.

Confused about all of this, I quickly cyber stalked Katie Farthing on Facebook and Google, but like the Mary Celeste ship or Kardashian brain activity, there was no trace. What an enigma.

Meanwhile, I had gotten a job at HMV.  That day, my manager had instructed me to walk around the store in a clockwise motion with DVDs in my hand. These DVD were taped together, held in a fan shape as pictured below.  As I approached customers, I could retort “How can I help you, oh look what I have here!”

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They’d better give me a good reference for this!

Unsurprisingly, HMV went into administration a few weeks later.
Annoyed with my long day fanning around DVD’s, I went to visit good ol’ Jedders. I took the mick out of him whilst we deathmatched on Halo. He had gotten rid of the chair, and  he only place to sit in his room was his double bed. He kept poking me in the arm in retaliation.
Poke Poke Poke.
I was getting annoyed. He was more of an irritant than an erratic, vampiric mosquito.
As I turned to leave out the front door,  he decided to pinch me on the bum. I pretended that didn’t happen and promptly left.
On the way home, I hypothesised he liked me. Thinking back to KatieFarthing1988, it dawned on me. I felt the cogs turning in my head.

Jedder’s incessant poking. The double bed arrangement. Asking me over for a sleepover. The ass pinch.  He had also been subtly offering physical support by saying it doesn’t matter who it comes from.

I then concluded he was masquerading as a 25-year-old brunette receptionist. I always had an inkling he was a Horny McHorndog based on the dates he’d once told me about.

The biggest giveaway was that there was a ‘whose viewed you profile’ feature on Plenty of Fish. When I checked this out, it was all women, apart from his gimpy face right in the middle.  When I caught him out,  he had claimed he was looking at my profile for ‘inspiration‘ as I was good with words.
Maybe I should become a blog writer then? Oh wait.

Jedders and Katie’s profile were also suspiciously similar:

It asked: What’s your ideal first date?

Jedders: Depends on the person i think first dates should fit the person, something casual like a few drinks

Katies: I think it would depend on the person, perhaps a casual drink to start things off.

I went over to his, then asked him casual questions based on her profile, such as how many times is a good amount to go to the gym? “3”, he said, as did Katie.  He liked all the same bands as her. The same games. He had the same Grade E grammar and spelling. How he passed Key Stage 2 I’ll never know. His desire for cake and fast food seemed all to familiar.

I made another hasty escape after questioning him, I could see the uncomfortability on his face as I broke him down with my questions. He began to palpitate, I think he knew that I knew about what he knew. I made an unscrupulous detective.

He later deleted me off Facebook. I asked him why so, and he said it was because I hadn’t been talking to him enough over the past week and he was “getting tired of having friends.”
I messaged him about being Katie and he denied it, so I left it. He tried to re-add me various times in the future.

I went on to have various dates with real women and even acheived the fabled in-a-relationship status. Online dating however, is still a somewhat scary platform
My word of advice, meet someone as soon as possible.
Oh, if you do like your friend in a romantic way, just tell them. Don’t be a creep!


Read more:

The Craziest Valentines Ever
How I Got Catfished By My Best Friend
How I Got Evicted
How To Break Your Heart. 
How To Save Money
How To Tackle Depression
Who Wet My Bed?

Currently breaking the Internet at Facebook | Instagram | Twitter |

I’m now on Youtube !

I’m raising money for charity and achieving goals at http://rupertsresolutions.tumblr.com

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Second Date Delirium

I decided to give her another chance. The first date didn’t go so well, but things had changed.  Despite me practically running in the opposite direction from her the last time.

She had now sorted things out,  got the locks changed. She had bought a new flat, the police had dealt with Crazy Ex Caveman.  He was no longer tracking her around the Dorset Coast like a Smart Price hitman.

She had got back on the straight and narrow, things were looking up.

A few months since our last ‘date.’ We arranged to meet at McDonalds.
I know – no the most romantic cuisine. This is probably why I was single for a long time. It was her idea – not that you believe me!

My previous visits to a similar establishment weren’t the greatest. As you can see, the other customers were a little too friendly…

Things were okay during our saturated fat feast. Well, despite the neighbourhood chavs fighting in the background and then trying to to snort foreign objects in the toilets. I attempted to eat a Fillet-o-Fish from the McDonald’s menu. It was vile.

We spoke about her family life overseas, her sister and her dancing. She admitted since leaving her work and getting a new flat, she felt lonely.

She spoke about her love for Fawlty Towers. I admitted I hadn’t seen an episode in ages. Netflix was still an unheard of concept at this point. She asked if I wanted to check out her new flat and we could watch the DVD box set.
I thought why the hell not. It’s the afternoon.  It’s Boscombe. Everything will be fine.
There’s nothing like seeing psychotic hotel owner, Basil Fawlty, pretending to be a Nazi. Whilst watching this with a Polish person.

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We arrived at at her home, which was literally a room with a sink inside it. It was dank, the walls were crumbling slightly and it felt cold. It made student accommodation give off a star quality vibe.

Her laptop screen was broken, and you could only see half of it at a time. Presumably Caveman had a hand in this unwanted Windows upgrade?

As I sat down, I pondered this classic old school Rupert situation I’d stumbled into. There were some awkward silences and I wasn’t sure what to talk about with her. “Nice room.”
She made no effort to dig out the Fawlty Towers DVD. She probably didn’t even have one. Let alone a DVD player.

I began to feel like coming here was maybe a mistake, but I didn’t want to leave so abruptly. It would be rude to go I felt, as I just got here.

I thought of things to talk about. I remembered our mutual interest, dance. I mentioned I still didn’t feel brave enough to go to Salsa Night yet and dance with random strangers. She offered to dance with me now to help my confidence. Her eyes lit up like a kid spotting a leftover cookie.
She then took my hand, my waist – and my breath away, and whisked me onto the carpet. There was no co-ordination, nor style from her,  but she pressed against me as hard as she could.
Her head completely lulled back as if in a trance.

Thais Reeder

Bathing in glory, she felt ecstatic. She began to grind down  on me.

“I have a thirst for you!” She declared, tightening her grip.

“I just want to drink you all up.

When we met, it was like a high school moment for me.

I saw you standing there, our eyes met that day.

I knew you were the one!”

She suddenly started kissing me. Her exceptionally dry lips melted against mine in a feverish embrace. I’d not kissed sandpaper before, but I imagined it would have been similar.
Except I didn’t feel what she was feeling. I struggled a little to get out of her grasp. I wanted to get out of there.
I said ‘I’ll catch her around.’

I realised then it was my turn to sort my life out. No more dates at McDonalds with people who date crazy guys. Don’t get lured back to people’s house with the bribe of Fawlty Towers.

I darted out the door and never looked back.

Was this the best thing to do? Vote Below…


The Craziest Valentines Ever
How I Got Catfished By My Best Friend
How I Got Evicted
How To Break Your Heart. 
How To Save Money
How To Tackle Depression
Who Wet My Bed?

Currently breaking the Internet at Facebook | Instagram | Twitter |

I’m now on Youtube !

I’m raising money for charity and achieving goals at http://rupertsresolutions.tumblr.com

Worst Date

Dating.
Just the word dating can make even the most confident human shudder in anguish.  Is anyone mentally ready for the the barrage of awkward icebreakers such as ‘what music do you like? ‘and the anti-climatic classic of ‘so um…. what do you do for a living?

From the pre-date guzzle of a triple vodka, also known as ‘liquid courage’, then to making sure my quirks and bad habits are safely tucked away, I have embraced this romantic ritual to its fullest.

Despite my enthusiasm to find the ‘one’  – dating has not gone according to plan. (In all honesty, I only do it so I don’t end up on Naked Attraction with my tackle out in front of the nation.)  Some dates have been horrendous – and not just the time my date said I facially resembled a terrorist.

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FBI’s most wanted?

Read below to enjoy my surreal experience from 2012. It put me into a romantic hiatus for half a year. I was only brave enough to start dating after I realised I was scowling at loved up couples on Valentine’s Day.

I think I could have been taking a course on how to be assertive.
(Yes I was. Just practicing my learnt assertiveness)

I met a lady there. Perhaps she had been planted by the teacher to see if I had learnt anything assertive from the course. She was few years older, kinda cute, though she had a slightly distracting gap between her front teeth.  I tried not to look at it, but I was slightly transfixed.

She revealed she was a dancer, and I wanted to learn to dance myself, this got us talking. My moves at this point resembled that of a stiff, traumatised mannequin.

After some pleasant interactions, she wanted a date. We arranged to meet for a hot chocolate on a chilly autumn day down Bournemouth beach. I was hot and cold, to quote Katy Perry.

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As we greeted each other, I was able to blame my nervous goosepimples on the cool November breeze. We were rewarded with a cheeky slither of heat despite the sharp weather. We sat in a nice spot in the sunshine.

Things were going smoothly. We rattled off the mandatory date questions. I kept all signs of my refusal to grow up and my only child syndrome hidden away. I decided not to reveal how I leave the toilet seat up frequently or how I repeatedly fail to make my own bed each morning.

10 minutes in, she brought up her personal life. She revealed her recent ex-boyfriend, was a mad, bad and very jealous stalker. This caveman (or future Jeremy Kyle guest) would regularly turn up in her flat, of which he for some reason had a key, and demand her love and affection back. Oh Romeo, where art thou?
He was regularly aggressive. Caveman once broke a wooden chair in frustration. He then picked it up from the floor, pushed her to the wall and then pinned her there using the broken carcass of the chair. How absolutely horrible and terrifying.

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It turned out she had mentioned another man’s name in front of him.

Caveman would also turn up at the store where she worked, completely unannounced. He would rush to the busy desk, dive in, and give her a dribbly snog in front of everyone, staking his claim in front of customers. “She’s mine,” he would announce proudly in front of bemused gamblers. She didn’t seem overly concerned about his odd behaviour.

He recently broke her phone in a fit of violent rage, smashing the screen and transforming it into bitesize chunks. He got annoyed as she was checking the phone frequently, and he was livid she was teasing him about messaging someone. She revealed that special someone to be me!
(It wasn’t a Nokia. They are indestructible. They can literally survive anything. Tarmac, gravity, the apocalypse.)

I can sympathise with people in abusive relationships. I perched on the sand, slightly perplexed about what to say. I decided we should take a walk.  I had to focus on how to do this – Left foot, right foot, breathe, smile. In that order.

This wasn’t my usual first date. Usually they involve my sparkling wit and hoping we will split the bill. Please don’t order that expensive champagne darling. 

The sea air was quite therapeutic as we walked past the pier. She looked around, and told me another revelation in a hushed tone.
She had seen the infamous Caveman!  He was lurking near the Oceanarium. He wasn’t interested in buying a jellyfish keychain or taking a selfie with a charming penguin- instead he was was searching for someone. He looked disgruntled and slightly fuming.
(Like Phil Mitchell does if you take the mickey out of his long flowing hair)


Caveman was out looking for her and he’d gotten wind that she wasn’t at home. She’d mentioned she was meeting a guy for a date and he had gone absolutely livid at this. He was on the warpath. She hadn’t asked his permission to be out and about the house. Especially to hang out with a tall terrorist man like myself.

I looked around. I could see him in the crowd, scanning the promenade for her, like a budget Terminator. He was a big guy, and looked a few sandwiches short of a picnic.
My date put her hood over her head to disguise herself and clung closer to me.

We dived behind the Imax 3D Cinema. Even though it was voted the worst building in Britain, right now it was ugly and big enough for us to hide behind. We darted around the side to refuge to the right of Jumpin’ Jacks.

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I asked what would happen if the Caveman Terminator caught up with us.

“He would hit me first….then he would hit you.”

My heart pounded in my chest. With unwanted adrenaline coursing through my veins, this was not the action I was hoping for.  I couldn’t believe how quickly this escalated from getting a simple hot chocolate. As we continued to walk away, I strode around the car park, almost colliding into a pensioner trying to reverse his Volvo badly.

She peeked around the corner of the Imax. Apparently Caveman was walking with clenched fists into Harry Ramsden’s Fish and Chips. Something was definitely getting battered, I thought. ( I try to crack jokes in tense action sequences like this.)

I began to to walk with a sense of brisk pace. We ended up in the town centre, grinding to a halt near a Weatherspoons. How I wish I was in there away from this, snuggled around a freshly microwaved Chocolate Fudge Brownie and a jug of Woo Woo.

I apologized. I wouldn’t wish a horrible brute like that on anyone. I suggested that maybe she should get the locks changed and call the police.
She seemed fairly indifferent and said ‘Yeah maybe I should.’

I bid her a quick goodbye, then quickly walked away home in case, pondering whether to join the local karate club on the way home.

A few months later, she has listened to me and decided to get the locks changed and called the police. Would you have gone on a second date. Vote below, and read what happens next!

Click for PART 2


The Craziest Valentines Ever
How I Got Catfished By My Best Friend
How I Got Evicted
How To Break Your Heart. 
How To Save Money
How To Tackle Depression
Who Wet My Bed?

Currently breaking the Internet at Facebook | Instagram | Twitter |

I’m now on Youtube !

I’m raising money for charity and achieving goals at http://rupertsresolutions.tumblr.com