“OMG,” I said out loud. It all added up.
The cute brunette lady I had been messaging. Was not cute nor brunette. Oh hell, she wasn’t even a lady.
In reality, she was actually my overweight male friend, who facially resembled Britain’s most hated pop duo, Jedward.
How did this happen? You may ponder, probably gleefully smiling to yourself, ready for read this humiliating tale of catfishery.
As entertainment guru and all-round goatee god, Craig David, once said: Rewind…
Once upon a time, in a town unfortunately not far, far away, I befriended a gay guy. We shall call him Jedders. Although I’d love to name and shame him across social media, I’m not an arsehole. Although as you will read, he probably wanted to get in mine.
Jedders had both a bizarre lifestyle and diet.
He wolfed down chocolate donuts and crisps for lunch. He had the audacity to proudly admit he was a vegetarian. His favourite food to eat was burgers. That’s right, not Linda or Quorn burgers, but full moo-moo cow burgers. So not really a vegetarian.
This bizarre diet proved to be Jedders undoing, however. He had no proper circulation, which resulted in his hands turning indigo in colour during the winter. Imagine the complexion of man, floating in orbit after being pushed out an airlock, and you’re kinda there.
He would get his Mum, his best friend, to give him a lift to and from the gym, despite it being a 10 minute walk from his house.
Despite this, Jedders seemed to care about me and my romantic troubles, and I often popped around his to vent or play Xbox. In hindsight, I should have just gone to a counselor or applied to go on Take Me Out.
Playing these games was quite therapeutic, and he was very understanding of my women woes. I would tell him my angst, particularly an infatuation on an American lady that I used to see. She looked a little like Courtney Love. Surely that should have been a red flag – look what happened to poor Kurt Cobain.
Nevermind, she enjoyed my company – things were casual beneficial whatthefuckery. We bonded over a love for Star Trek. Frustratingly, I started to get those feels, but she didn’t.
So, I found Jedders and Halo’s gunfire, energy swords and explosions a pleasant antidote from this unrequited romance. I wasn’t the only person feeling a little unrequited in the romantic department, as it turned out.
I needed to move on from my Courtney doppelgänger. My previous romances hadn’t gone well (as a teenager here, and my date from hell, here.)
I need a new lady in my life, I decided. What could I do next? Speed dating? Use ubercringe chat-up lines in nightclubs (oh hey Cameo, Halo)?
The terrifying world of Online Dating seemed like the safer option. Sadly I was a bit naive and unprepared back then.
These were the pre-tinder days. You had to actually make effort with your profile. I joined Plenty Of Fish.com. I decided me in a coffee coloured gilet, ‘modelling’ a sports stadium picture might capture the hearts of women of the online world.
Despite such exuberant fashion, I had only received a handful of messages. I’m no oil painting myself, but they weren’t exactly my type. One lived in John O’Groates, whilst I swear the other had been on Crimewatch the previous week.
However, I then got a message from the illustrious Miss Katie Farthing, as seen below in her kitchen:
According to her profile, she liked to keep in shape but ‘wouldn’t miss the opportunity for fast food or a cake.’
Her spelling was atrocious, and she found the concept of sentences a problem. Despite this, a cute female was messaging me, and would actually reply promptly, with no ghosting. Guys who have also tried online dating will feel this ghosting lark. So I forgave her for her grammar intolerance.
We had really similar interests, jogging, music and the gym. She also played video games, the same as me and Jedders liked. See below her bio. Could you do better? Probably.
These mutual interests made me interested in meeting up, but she declined and said she wanted to get to know me more first. I thought to myself, isn’t that what dating was all about, seeing each other in person?
So, I asked Katie what she’d like to know about me before a meet up?
Curiously, she wanted to know my penis size.
I asked her why she wanted to know this?
She simply replied with ‘Sorry, I was a bit horny.’
For a girl to get her kicks over a picture of someone in a coffee-coloured gilet is a bit odd. I mean as a lad, it makes your smirk and think ‘I’m such a handsome stud,’ but deep down I’m thinking ‘what the fuck?’
I gave her the benefit of the doubt; I don’t blame her for having such great taste (nyuk nyuk) We kept talking, this time about less sexual stuff. I devised that maybe I’m just quite the catch or something!
We started speaking about jobs, ambitions and hobbies. Katie couldn’t help herself, and spilled over into intimate question territory once again, asking me if I would enjoy cock munching, and what’s your favourite position?
I told her I was uncomfortable talking about this stuff online, and she abruptly stopped talking completely. In case you’re wondering about my favourite position, it’s the hyperventilating octopus. Also, to anyone who is reading this – never, ever, ever use the term cock-munching. Please.
Confused about all of this, I quickly cyber stalked Katie Farthing on Facebook and Google, but like the Mary Celeste ship or Kardashian brain activity, there was no trace. What an enigma.
Meanwhile, I had gotten a job at HMV. That day, my manager had instructed me to walk around the store in a clockwise motion with DVDs in my hand. These DVD were taped together, held in a fan shape as pictured below. As I approached customers, I could retort “How can I help you, oh look what I have here!”
Unsurprisingly, HMV went into administration a few weeks later.
Annoyed with my long day fanning around DVD’s, I went to visit good ol’ Jedders. I took the mick out of him whilst we deathmatched on Halo. He had gotten rid of the chair, and he only place to sit in his room was his double bed. He kept poking me in the arm in retaliation.
Poke Poke Poke.
I was getting annoyed. He was more of an irritant than an erratic, vampiric mosquito.
As I turned to leave out the front door, he decided to pinch me on the bum. I pretended that didn’t happen and promptly left.
On the way home, I hypothesised he liked me. Thinking back to KatieFarthing1988, it dawned on me. I felt the cogs turning in my head.
Jedder’s incessant poking. The double bed arrangement. Asking me over for a sleepover. The ass pinch. He had also been subtly offering physical support by saying it doesn’t matter who it comes from.
I then concluded he was masquerading as a 25-year-old brunette receptionist. I always had an inkling he was a Horny McHorndog based on the dates he’d once told me about.
The biggest giveaway was that there was a ‘whose viewed you profile’ feature on Plenty of Fish. When I checked this out, it was all women, apart from his gimpy face right in the middle. When I caught him out, he had claimed he was looking at my profile for ‘inspiration‘ as I was good with words.
Maybe I should become a blog writer then? Oh wait.
Jedders and Katie’s profile were also suspiciously similar:
It asked: What’s your ideal first date?
Jedders: Depends on the person i think first dates should fit the person, something casual like a few drinks
Katies: I think it would depend on the person, perhaps a casual drink to start things off.
I went over to his, then asked him casual questions based on her profile, such as how many times is a good amount to go to the gym? “3”, he said, as did Katie. He liked all the same bands as her. The same games. He had the same Grade E grammar and spelling. How he passed Key Stage 2 I’ll never know. His desire for cake and fast food seemed all to familiar.
I made another hasty escape after questioning him, I could see the uncomfortability on his face as I broke him down with my questions. He began to palpitate, I think he knew that I knew about what he knew. I made an unscrupulous detective.
He later deleted me off Facebook. I asked him why so, and he said it was because I hadn’t been talking to him enough over the past week and he was “getting tired of having friends.”
I messaged him about being Katie and he denied it, so I left it. He tried to re-add me various times in the future.
I went on to have various dates with real women and even acheived the fabled in-a-relationship status. Online dating however, is still a somewhat scary platform
My word of advice, meet someone as soon as possible.
Oh, if you do like your friend in a romantic way, just tell them. Don’t be a creep!