The Embarrassing Bedroom Story

I once had a very unfortunate incident during a night out, of which I have turned into a rhyme. Please sing the following out loud in a high key. Failing that ask Stormzy to rap it.

 

Once upon a tipsy night,

I was looking rather modest

Along came a lady,

Who seemed quite the goddess.

 

I danced like Patrick Swayze,

Showing off my groove.

Sadly my talent was actually

My dad dancing moves.

 

She then sleeked over,

Wading through the club.

She said she liked the way I dressed,

So I felt  a little smug.

 

Grabbing me by my tie

She pulled me away.

Covering me in  lots of kisses

I was very easily swayed.

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She said she worked in I.T,

And made a lot of money.

Those were words to my ears,

Now come close now honey.

 

We kissed a little more,

But I began to overthink.

We didn’t have much chemistry,

Was it just down to drink?

 

We then made out,

And became more inebriated.

We got lost in the club,

Ending up separated.

 

One hour then passed,

I caught her once more.

She was with someone else,

They were aiming for the door.

 

Going out the bar

With an arm around a guy.

It seemed our liaison,

Was now a bit awry.

 

 

A few months later

I was trying my best to dance.

She appeared with a beaming smile,

Sending me a furtive glance.

 

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I remember you, she said,

You’re the handsome guy from before.

Pulling me seductively by the tie,

She made me feel adored.

 

Yet I wasn’t really feeling it,

When our bodies began to grind,

I was looking rather awkward now,

When we were dancing out of time.

 

Suddenly, I got pulled over,

A blonde grabbed me aside.

What are you doing man!? Blonde said.

Have you gone out your mind?

 

That girl is really digging you dude, 

Just dance with her properly!

Um yeah I think she does,

I replied rather sloppily.

 

Now go back and dance with her,

She’s really rather fit.

Pushing me back to the dancefloor,

Now go for it!

 

I’m a sucker for a bit of peer pressure,

I put myself in danger.

But I thought what the hell,

Thankyou, random stranger!

 

Me and my brunette leave, then

stumble down the road.

I think you’ll guess what happened next,

When we got to my abode.

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Yeah… we cuddled

 

After the deed was done,

We settled for some sleep.

Our clothes scattered across the floor.

A cheeky liaison complete.

 

I awoke and felt moisture,

So I sat up in my bed.

I felt a bit confused and shrugged,

And fell back asleep instead.

 

I woke again at 5 o’clock.

I then began to fret,

The duvet, sheets and extra cover,

Everything was wet.

 

It couldn’t be, surely not?

I felt a sense of dread.

It suddenly struck me hard,

I can’t have wet the bed?

 

I had a quick check on the sheet,

The wee had soaked right through!

I swear my bladder control

Had improved

Since Key Stage 2.

 

I remembered I wasn’t alone,

And saw the dancer under cover.

The only possible offender,

Could be my new drunken lover.

 

It felt tingly and warm,

There’s no way I could cope.

I jumped with haste into the shower,

And lathered myself in soap.

 

I reached for the nearest body wash,

I think it was Head and Shoulders.

I cleaned so hard  at the highest temp,

That my skin began to smoulder.

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What was my next move?

I dried myself whilst thinking.

This was one of those situations,

Down to over drinking!

 

I wished I could magic her away from here,

Though I’m normally the perfect host.

I usually offer breakfast in the morning,

With some orange juice and toast.

 

I thought I’d checked Facebook,

Would anyone still be awake?

My friend was online with some advice,

Just give her a little shake.

 

I wanted to wake her, I really did,

But I felt far too afraid.

I knew if this was me,

I’d be feeling very ashamed.

 

I settled on my bedroom floor,

Creating a poor makeshift bed.

I didn’t have any pillows left,

Using a jumper for my head.

 

Suddenly the human hydrant,

Was awake with a groan.

Why you sleeping on the floor? She asked,

I just replied with a moan.

 

I didn’t have to heart to tell her,

As she abruptly arose.

I feel so cold! She said,

And just where are my clothes?

 

I motioned to the bedroom floor,

Everywhere, I shyly said.

Yet I was more surprised she hadn’t noticed,

That she’d wet the double bed.

 

She put herself together again,

looked dazed as she dressed.

I couldn’t quite work out,

If she knew of her liquid mess.

Di she realise what happened.

And couldn’t quite confess?

 

I began to worry,

Did she not feel her pee?

Or was she actually thinking

That it could have been down to me?

She said she wanted to go home,

Which made me feel relieved.

 

I called up the taxi company,

They asked for her name.

I didn’t even know it,

My head hung low in shame.

 

My bedding went in the washing machine,

I was on a mad cleaning spree.

I smothered my mattress totally,

With a bottle of  Fabreeze.

 

I saw her months later,

She didn’t remember my name.

She asked what happened that night,

But I couldn’t quite explain.

 

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This embarrassing moment,

That you’ve now heard in all its glory.

You might begin to wonder,

What is the moral of this story?

 

Accidents happen to all of us,

Every once in a while.

Now much time has passed,

I don’t cry – I start to smile.

 

If I meet a new lady,

I’ll try my best to behave.

One thing I’ll make sure of,

Is that she’s toilet trained.

 

 

 


Other topics:
Trump | Jobs | Teenager | Urbexing | Valentines | First Girlfriend | Catfish | The Incident | Paris | Nan |

Currently breaking the Internet at Facebook | Instagram | Twitter |

I’m now on Youtube !

I’m raising money for charity and achieving goals at http://rupertsresolutions.tumblr.com

 

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