It suddenly dawned on me.
‘KatieFarthing88’ wasn’t the brunette Bournemouth-based ‘fashionista’ I thought she was.
In reality, she was my overweight male friend who facially resembled Britain’s most hated pop duo, Jedward.
How did this happen?
As entertainment guru and goatee god, Craig David, once said: Let’s Rewind…
Once upon a time, I befriended a gay guy, Jedders, who had both a bizarre lifestyle and diet.
He wolfed down donuts for lunch and was also proud to admit he was a vegetarian. Yet his favourite food to eat was burgers.
This diet proved to be his own shortcoming, however. He had no proper circulation and his hands would turn indigo in colour during the cold weather.
He would get his Mum, his best friend, to give him a lift to and from the gym, despite it being a 10 minute walk from his house.
Despite this, Jedders seemed to care about me and my social and romantic troubles, and we often went around his to play Xbox. In hindsight, I should have just gone to a counselor.
Playing these games was quite therapeutic. I would tell him my angst with women, particularly an infatuation on an American lady that I used to see. She looked a little like Courtney Love.
Well we know what happened to poor Kurt Cobain…
She liked my company longer than most (breaking the 5 minute record) and enjoyed my lanky, tall frame. Frustratingly, I started to get those feels, but she didn’t.
I found gunfire, energy swords and explosions a pleasant antidote from this unrequited romance. Yet I wasn’t the only person feeling a little unrequited, as it turned out.
What could I do next? Speed dating? Use chat up lines in loud nightclubs? Online Dating This seemed the lesser of three evils. Sadly I was a bit naive.
It took me a while to decide on a profile picture for my Plenty of Fish profile. I decided a coffee coloured gilet in a sports stadium shot might capture the hearts of women of the digital world. I waited for the messages to pile in but…
Many months later, I had only received two messages. I’m no oil painting myself, but they weren’t exactly my type. One lived in Glenmorgan, the other hadn’t seen her toes in years.
I then got a message from the illustrious Miss Katie Farthing, as seen below:
According to her profile, she liked to keep in shape but ‘wouldn’t miss the opportunity for fast food or a cake.’
Her spelling was atrocious, and she found the concept of sentences a problem. Yet, I was so excited; a female was messaging me, and would actually reply promptly. This was opposed to messaging someone a few times then them falling off the face of the earth. Guys who have tried online dating will feel this. So I forgave her for her grammar intolerance.
We had really similar interests, jogging, music and the gym. She also played video games, the same as me and Jedders liked.
These mutual interests made me interested in meeting up, but she declined and said she wanted to get to know me more first. I thought to myself, isn’t that what dating was all about?
I asked what she’d like to know then.
Curiously, she wanted to know my penis size.
I gasped. I won’t bore you with the answer.
I asked her why she wanted to know this?
She simply replied with ‘Sorry, I was a bit horny.’
For a girl to get her kicks over a picture of someone in a coffee gilet is a bit odd. I mean as a lad, it makes your smirk, but deep down I’m thinking what the- ?
I gave her the benefit of the doubt; I don’t blame her for having such great taste.
We kept talking again, this time about less sexual stuff. I devised that maybe I’m just quite the catch!
We started speaking about jobs, ambitions and hobbies. Then suddenly Katie, couldn’t help herself, and spilled over into intimate question territory once again, starting with what’s your favorite position?
I told her I was uncomfortable talking about this stuff online, and she abruptly stopped talking completely.
In case you’re wondering about my favourite position. It’s the hyperventilating octopus.
Confused about all of this, I quickly cyber stalked Katie Farthing on Facebook and Google, but like the Mary Celeste or a Kardashian brain, there was no trace. So I left this enigma and forgot about it.
Going to Jedders was now becoming a weekly occurrence. To be honest I needed space from my Mother and working at HMV, a store which is somehow still a thing despite Netflix, Spotify and Piracy. That day, my manager had instructed me to walk around the store in a clockwise motion with DVDs in my hand. These DVD were taped together, held in a fan shape as pictured below. I could offer them to customers, “oh look what I have here!”
HMV went into administration a few weeks later.
Back at Jedders, we’d run around and shoot each other in various deathmatches on Halo, whilst I’d rib with him banter. The only place to sit in his room, was his double bed, and for some reason he kept poking me in the arm in retaliation.
Poke Poke Poke.
He was quickly become more of an irritant than an erratic mosquito or someone knocking on your door asking you to convert to their religion.
As I turned to leave out the front door, I swear he pinched me on the bum.
I hypothesized he liked me. I mean if KatieFarthing1988 likes me and she hasn’t even met me, I must have a certain charm. As it dawned on me, I felt the cogs turning in my head.
(Hang on; I think that’s just a headache. Don’t write blogs hungover)
Jedder’s poking. The double bed arrangement. Wanting me over for a sleepover. The ass pinch. Subtly offering physical support by saying it doesn’t matter who it comes from.
I concluded he was masquerading as a 25-year-old brunette receptionist. I always had an inkling he was a horny horndog based on the dates he’d once told me about.
The biggest giveaway was that I had caught him looking at my profile on the ‘whose viewed you’ feature. It was all women, apart from his gimpy face right in the middle. He had claimed he was looking at my profile for ‘inspiration‘ as I was good with words.
Maybe I should become a blog writer then?
Jedders and Katie’s profile was suspiciously similar:
What’s your ideal first date?
Jedders: Depends on the person i think first dates should fit the person, something casual normally like a few drinks
Katies: I think it would depend on the person, perhaps a casual drink to start things off.
I asked him casual questions based on the profile, such as how many times is a good amount to go to the gym, he said 3. He liked all the same bands as Katie. The same games. He had the same poor grammar and spelling. His desire for cake and fast food seemed all too mutual.
I made a hasty escape after questioning him, I could see the uncomfortability on his face as I broke him down with my questions. I made an unscrupulous detective.
He later deleted me off Facebook.
I asked him why he deleted me, and he said it was because I hadn’t been talking to him enough and he was “getting tired of having friends.”
I confronted him about being Katie and he denied it, so I left it.
Oh and if you’re interested, here she is: www.pof.com/viewprofile.aspx?profile_id=55015497
Just be careful, she might ask for your measurements!
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